Monday, August 4, 2008

Exodus

"All roads lead to home."
 
Despite varying ideas of what home really is, this quote is easy to get for a girl who has rarely lived far from the I-5 corridor. I came back to my previous home of Seattle upon my return from China. Granted, I haven't lived there in over 2 years so it is more like home-once-removed. I did claim it as home for the past 2 years as it was for 9 years of my adult life. However, upon my most recent visit I realized it really isn't my home any more. People and places were foreign in general and I felt out of place.
 
I wasn't able to go home (place where I was born) before my grandfather passed away, but I was able to make it home (the USA) in time to call Mom to let him know I was safely back on US soil and he could stop worrying about me. Due to my lack of employment, I was able to spend a week with my grandmother keeping her company and running errands. I think that act in itself means more to my grandpa than any teary goodbye.
The Gods smiled on me in that at the last minute, my friend Brian was able to help me make my big move to California. All of my belongings were in storage in Seattle so I had to load up a 16 foot trailer and then hitch my car onto a tow trolley on the back. I had convinced myself I could do it solo, and I am sure I could have, but driving it the 1300 miles with Brian there made it a lot easier. We left Seattle right at rush hour on a Tuesday (bad idea) and headed south on I-5 for what would be the next 1,347 miles and almost exactly 48 hours. We drove through my old homes of Vancouver and Medford then past my old homes of Santa Cruz and Watsonville and into my new home of San Diego. We stopped 2 times to sleep, 7 times for gas and 1 time for an over heated engine.
 
That long in a car gives you lots of time to think. I thought a lot about this new life that I am starting here in San Diego and what I want for it. I thought about how stupid it really is to ask people where they are from. If you want to get to know someone new, why not ask them where they've been, what they've learned, and where they are going next. Yea, I am from (born in) Medford, but what does that tell you about me? I thought about why people would tailgate someone driving a 16 foot trailer and towing a car. I thought about delicious Chinese food.
 
I wish I could tell you that things here in SD are wonderful, but I can't. At least not yet. I feel pretty miserable here so far and I really have no one to blame but myself. I have put myself in situations where I knew my heart would be hurt and it has. I made my expectations of people and life too high and I have been disappointed. I keep telling myself that things will get better "if" and "when"...now I guess I just have to wait. I feel like I don't belong here but I'm not sure where I belong. I feel like all the things I had hoped for in my new life in sunny southern California don't exist. I thought I had everything figured out but I don't. I feel alone in crowds and like an outsider among friends. This new home isn't home yet.
 
Despite how totally wretched this update is, I know some of you usually really like my blogs so this is for you: I am no longer going to be mass emailing my life stories. If you are on MySpace you already know you can get them there. The other option is to get the blogs from my blog site. That is http://rachaeltarshes.blogspot.com/  You don't have to be a member to read my blogs on Blogspot and you can have them sent directly to your email if you don't want the hassle of coming to the site to check to see if I have anything amazing to say. (Usually not.) As I am still without my own computer, I can't update pictures and might send out one more mass email once that is done for those of you who want to see my last trips in Asia.